My alarm clock goes off, and I roll over. I don’t think I can do another day in hiding. The anxiety it brings knows no bounds. I put my clear mascara on, other things only I know will be there under what’s considered normal are soon to follow. Another day starts of pretending to be someone I’m not out of fear. This cycle has been going on for far too long, bringing havoc and chaos to my emotional and mental state. I drive into school and find my girlfriend. She’s the only one who knows, but even then it’s still confusing for both of us because I’m afraid to face my feelings. Class starts, just like every other day. My stomach turns over and sinks with every “he” and “Sir.” I couldn’t fault them, no matter how I felt, they had no idea, no reason to think otherwise. My thoughts turn back to myself, trying to escape the day to day drudge.

The greatest lie I ever told was to myself. That this was okay, and everything could go back to the way it used to be. But there was nothing to go back to. I had felt this way since as long as I could remember, the only difference was, I was starting to face my feelings instead of leaving them in the dusty box in the darkest corner of my mind, taped shut, faded sharpie hastily scrawled across reading “handle with care.” The bell rings and snaps me out of my thoughts. I’m free to go home. I crawl back into my room and shed my disguise. I don’t have to pretend anymore here. This was a safe place.

My alarm clock goes off. I wake up lazily and try to squeeze the last five minutes I can before I absolutely have to get up. I roll out of bed and pick out a cute outfit from my closet with a smile on my face, and do my makeup for everyone to see. Another day starts where I get to be the person I know I am. I drive to school and face a different set of challenges, but they’re worth it for me to be who I am. People stare, some mock, others support, but that’s their choice. A year ago today I was a wreck. With a little courage and a lot of support, I’m happy. There’s no more need to escape, I’m already living my dream life. The best advice I ever gave myself was to open that box and never fear what might be inside.